Season content notes: internalized ableism, trauma recovery, cultural elitism

Paiokp stepped out of the building and was immediately confronted with the rest of the family.

Ey should have expected it. The bright season wasn’t the best time for growing things, but Chotaikytsai and Kolchais had only planted enough to feed themselves last travel season. They hadn’t expected to be feeding an entire family. So when most family gardens sat empty, lying fallow through the bright season and planted only lightly during the storm season, Chotaikytsai had spent most of the last two months breaking new ground and planting. Now ey and Tsouchm and Chestef were out every safe hour tending the plants, making sure they had enough water, and watching for invading insects.

Eventually, Chotaikytsai wanted to get some of the jungle fowl some families kept to eat the insects. But tending and keeping wild birds in a city took work and hands they didn’t have.

Paiokp turned back to the home. The quiet room would be empty now. But Chestef saw em and called out. None of the parents could tell the child ‘no’. Not knowing what ey had gone through and how much ey had lost. With a sigh, Paiokp joined Chestef and the grandparents at the largest garden plot.

“…planted too much this year,” Chotaikytsai was saying. “Had no choice, but next year we will have to let at least two of these plots rest. The ground can only support so much before it is exhausted.”

“Can you get fish guts from the fishing families?” Paiokp found emself asking.

“What?” Chotaikytsai and Tsouchm spoke at the same time, and Paiokp surprised emself with a small smile.

“It’s just…” Paiokp swallowed. “At… my old village, we always buried the mess left after gutting in the fallow fields. It seemed to help them recover better. The fishing families here — there is no way they can use all the guts they have left themselves. They have to do something with it… “

Tsouchm nodded. “Much of it just gets dumped in the harbor. It’s why only the familyless live near the docks — even the fishing families want to be away from the stench of it.”

“We should be able to negotiate something easily enough,” Chotaikytsai mused. “They might even let us take the guts for free since they don’t use them.”

Tsouchm smiled, a rare expression on eir grumpy face. “A good idea, child-mine. Thank you.”

Paiokp stepped back and turned away, not sure how to respond. A moment later, a hand landed on eir shoulder. “It is time for us to talk.”

Paiokp shrugged Tsouchm’s hand off. “About what?”

“Walk with me.”

Tsouchm led the way over to an empty corner of the compound — though with how fast everything was changing, Paiokp doubted it would be empty for long. Tsouchm squatted down and pulled out a pair of knuckle bones. Paiokp, confused squatted with em, and waited.

The grandparent threw the knuckle bones and began explaining how the game was played by the familiy-less of the city. It was similar enough to a game Paiokp’s village had played that ey picked it up fairly quickly. They played quietly for several minutes, with Paiokp increasingly uncomfortable and confused. Surely this was not the ‘talk’ ey has meant!

“Ha!” ey exclaimed as Paiokp’s throw landed. “Stagnancy.”

Paiokp grunted and handed over the bones. “Lots of types of stagnancy,” Tsouchm mused as ey caressed the bones. “Some more obvious than others.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Tsouchm threw the bones and snorted. “I think you know what it means.”

Paiokp growled and knocked the bones away. “I am not a child. Do not treat me like one!”

Tsouchm rocked back on eir heels before leaning forward again. “Do you know my history?”

“Some…” Paiokp shrugged awkwardly.

“I lived alone my entire life because I threw away the chance to build a circle. I have a second chance. Not everyone gets one.”

Tsouchm stared at Paiokp until ey flushed and looked away. “I… You don’t know as much as you think.”

“Tell me, then.”

First Lefeng, now Tsouchm! “Why? Why now? Why can’t you leave me be!”

“Why did you tell us about the fish?”

“What?!”

“Why did you tell us about the fish?”

“I…”

“You told us of the fish. You helped develop our craft. You are making our presentation piece to the temple because of all our parents you are the best skilled and suited for it. You have, as my spouse to be might say, woven yourself into the heart of this family. But…”

The grandparent trailed off into silence and waited. Paiokp shrugged uncomfortable and fiddled with the bones. Tsouchm continued to wait, unmoving. The silence became more and more uncomfortable until Paiokp had no choice but to speak. “I don’t want to leave,” ey said, “but when the presentation piece is done…. I’ll have to.”

“Why?”

“I…”

Tsouchm collected the scattered bones and stood. “You do not know. You think. Fear drives you.

“I think, if you can find enough trust to overcome fear, you may be surprised.”

Paiokp watched as the grandparent walked away. Wanting to call em back, but fear closed eir throat. Ey had trusted, once. A trust that had been ripped to pieces in the aftermath of the wave. Ey didn’t think ey could ever dare to trust again.

Not knowing what else to do, Paiokp stayed where ey was and watched the slow progress of the shadows across the yard. The last of the sun had disappeared from view when Chotaikytsai approached carrying two bowls.

The once-weaver handed a bowl to Paiokp and sat on the ground beside em, leaning against the fence. “My parents had a habit of tag-teaming us youngsters. It worked disturbingly well. I finally get to try it out myself.” Ey grinned at Paiokp’s dismay.

“My spouse-to-be is not good with people. Ey probably didn’t even realize you were running away from something when you left the house. But I think you have been running away from something the entire time I have known you — and you are on the edge of running away entirely.”

Paiokp shrugged, but said nothing. What could ey say?

“I could tell you all the reasons you’d be a fool to leave — but you know them. I could tell you that you would break Lefeng and Chestef’s hearts — but you know that too. I could tell you what I think you should do. But you already know what I would say.

“What I will tell you is that I want to be here for you,” Chotaikytsai continued calmly, “Whatever you need, whether it’s a shoulder, or help packing. I will be here. For as long as you will let me.”

Paiokp froze, unsure what to do or say to that. Ey started shaking and a moment later realized tears were rolling down eir cheeks. Arms wrapped around em and Chotaikytsai gathered em in and held. Humming quietly the lullaby they had all learned to help soothe the spinner when ey was overwrought.

Paiokp held em in return, no — clung to em, as ey had often clung to the ship in a sudden sea-storm. Never in eir life had anyone given em such a gift. Never.

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